Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
