i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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