I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
