she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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