Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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