So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
