"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
