you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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