I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
