Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize