I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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