When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
