Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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