you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
