All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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