dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
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