Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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