i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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