and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
