My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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