you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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