It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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