I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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