she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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