So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
