when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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