It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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