In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
