I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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