I just saw a hot homeless man
i think i have two assholes
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
