so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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