I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
