My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
