he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
