i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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