I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
