I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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