normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Panties = found
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
