tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
