I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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