Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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