____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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