I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize