If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
