I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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