last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
