Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
