I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
