I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
