I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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