Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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