Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize