ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
