his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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