On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
