I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
