i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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