the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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