alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
