Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
